Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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