I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
