My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
