Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
