Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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