Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
