My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
