I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
