fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
