I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
