God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Randomize
