I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
