I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
