he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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