I got chris browned last night
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
