This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
