i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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