I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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