I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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