Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
