My cat gives me a boner
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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