Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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