My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
