There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
