as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
