Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
