I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
