What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
