Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
