i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
