So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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