My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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