some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
