I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
