u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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