im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
