my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
