we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
