Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
