So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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