just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
