im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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