I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
