Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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