u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
