the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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