Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
