He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
whose parrot is this?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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