She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
