My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
