I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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